Relationship Appointment Letter

When you get a new job, you are given an appointment letter. In this letter, you will find all the details of your employment. From your hours to your remuneration to what your deliverables are. All your KPA’s and KPI’s are clearly listed. There is even a very clear stipulation of how the working relationship can be terminated, by either party. And there is a clear indication of how long the probation period.

Now….my question is: Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way? You meet somebody, you both see that you are attracted to each other. The day you decide to actually start with a relationship, you sit down and give each other your appointment letters. You break down exactly what it is you are looking for and what you are hoping to get out of the relationship.

You would list your deal breakers (grounds for termination). List all the things that are possible conflict areas up front.

The reason I bring this up is that too many people find themselves in relationships, with no clue how they got there. They sit there, totally bewildered, thinking…..”What on earth happened?” One minute, they were having a casual fling and before you knew it, they were cosy with their “fling” on the couch on what is supposed to be boy’s night out. I have news for you, my friend…That is not a fling any more. Your temp hired herself and made herself permanent. With NO appointment letter.

Sadly, such situations are irreversible. And they do lead to major heartache. Your permanent temp starts expecting medical aid and provident fund. And you are sitting there thinking….”But things were so good between us!” Now suddenly, they are ruined by a one sided relationship.

Folks, please don’t get me wrong. Loads of shagmate relationships evolve. Feelings develop and before you know it, both parties want more out of it. And if they are wise, they will discuss it and renegotiate the terms. That is great. That is an absolute win-win.

The sad part is when one party develops feelings while the other party is blissfully unaware. That is a sad, SAD situation, because the newly whipped party suddenly starts looking for signs that the other party also feels the same. And believe me, they will see them. Even when none exist.

I had a woman say to me, once: “Surely he MUST love me. He performs oral sex on me.” True story. I swear! Lady! Oral sex is nothing but a sexual act. He probably performs it on every woman he meets. Heck, he probably performs it even on women he has not even had sex with. Big deal!

I know a lot of women out there who refer to a man as “my man” or “my boyfriend” when they have not even met the guy in person. They chat on social media, maybe graduate to chatting on the phone twice a day. But, COME ON! That is NOT your man. Please stop saying he is. One particularly disturbed woman even got engaged to a man she has never met. That is an extreme case, but the point is, people do these things in varying degrees of psychosis.

Stop looking for signs, wait for the appointment letter. Sit down, discuss it and right at the end you can both sign on the dotted line. That way you will avoid having to bring up silly topics like “Where is this relationship going?” Hello! I didn’t even know there WAS a relationship. Asking that question is a lot like jumping into a taxi, sitting quietly for 20 minutes, and only then asking where it is going. You really rather want to ask before you get on. Unless you just feel like taking a joy ride and don’t care about the destination. But then you must be willing to pay whatever the fare is. And be willing to catch a new taxi, one that is going exactly where you wanted to go in the first place, later.

I started off by saying “Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way?” but honestly, it need not be a wish. It is very possible. It obviously won’t be as formal and as structured as I suggested, but it will have the same basic outline. Let us start declaring that we are officially in a relationship, to one another. Just so there are no misunderstandings.

Get that appointment letter!