The One That Got Away

There's this friend of mine, let's call her Ms P. Every time she breaks up with her man, she doesn't even announce it to the world. She doesn't tell many people and she doesn't even change her relationship status on Facebook. It permanently shows "In a relationship with T"

But she takes it a step further. Even if she starts dating a new guy, she will say "I am on a date with T". If she goes and visits the new guy, she will still say "I am visiting T".

Do you know why she does this? Because she always finds her way back into T's arms. So whoever she is with also knows that he is actually with T's girl. Every man that comes into her life is temporary, because she will always end up with T.

 My question to you; How many of you are guilty of this? How many of you make any and every man that comes into your life feel like a seat filler for your ex? Don't know what a seat filler is? Let me tell you;

At many high profile award ceremonies, which obviously get televised, they don't like having empty seats showing on camera. So if one of the stars decides to go to the toilet or whatever, they employ people, dressed in a tuxedo and everything, who is always on standby, waiting to fill the seat. That way, whenever the camera swings past the auditorium, they will always get a perfect full house. When the bigshot comes back, the seat filler gets up and gives the star his seat back.

So how many of you make the man in your life feel like he may be in the seat next to you, but he is just not the real thing? Like he is just guarding somebody else's seat for him. You'll even tell him that he looks "really cute" in his little tux and that he really could pass for a celebrity, to the untrained eye. But he knows in his heart that he is not the real deal.

If you do this to a man who really IS a seat filler, it is selfish. But at least he knows where he stands. But the moment you do that, because you really have no intention of ever going back to your ex....well, then you are sabotaging your relationship. Your relationship is doomed from day one if you will constantly be making your man feel like he has these great shoes to fill.

Let's do a quick test.

1. If your new man doesn't know any other ex's name except this particular one, even though you have dated other people after him.
2. If, when you say "my ex" he immediately knows who you are talking about, because all the other ex's are irrelevant.
3. If your eyes still gloss over when you talk about how wonderful a man your ex was, even when you are talking about him in your new man's presence.
4. If, you consider and even refer to your ex as "The one that got away"

Trust me.....you are making your new man a seat filler. You are making your man live under the shadow of your ex. And no matter how secure a man can be, no man on the face of the earth wants to spend the rest of his life knowing that you are actually settling for him, when the one is out there.

Let Mr Perfect go. Or go back to him. It really is that simple. Anything less than that is grossly unfair.

Clean Slate

I strongly believe there is no such thing as "wiping the slate clean and starting all over".

Each page in our lives, is written in ink, not pencil. So you cannot erase it and start all over. If you try to do that, you will simply be putting Tipp Ex on it and writing over it. And we all know how that ends up looking. Not a pretty sight at all.

What you CAN choose to do, however, is to agree to turn the page and move on. Walk away from it and don't look back. You both know that it is there. You have taken what you can from the experience and you have learnt all that you can. And you have now taken the conscious decision to walk away from it and never come back to it.

Once you have taken the decision to walk away from it, you have decided that you won't keep bringing it up. It is very easy to give into the temptation and have this thought in the back of your mind that your partner somehow "owes" you, since you were willing to forgive him. Don't think like that.

You take too long at the salon, thus making you both late for an appointment and he is FUMING. It is very easy for you to think (and say) "I forgave you for cheating on me with that WHORE, and you want to yell at me about being an hour late?" Don't.

Don't even think it.

The moment you do so, you are taking yourself and your relationship back to that page. And you are destroying every chance of ever healing. You forgiving should not be a credit that you keep in your pocket. It should not be a "Get out of anything smaller" pass.

The moment you forgive, you are saying, unequivocally that I WANT to get past this. I want to put this incident behind us. Obviously, that is assuming that he gives you reason to get past it as well. And by that, I mean his behaviour gives you no reason to doubt him. He makes you feel comfortable and he makes you feel relaxed enough to do that.

Walking away from the incident does not mean that you are letting him "get away with it". It means you are taking back control of your life and are refusing to be controlled and defined by the incident. It happened, you dealt with it and you have moved on.

You have made the conscious decision to be the strong woman you once were. You have chosen to be the bigger person. That shows strength of character.

Relationship Appointment Letter

When you get a new job, you are given an appointment letter. In this letter, you will find all the details of your employment. From your hours to your remuneration to what your deliverables are. All your KPA’s and KPI’s are clearly listed. There is even a very clear stipulation of how the working relationship can be terminated, by either party. And there is a clear indication of how long the probation period.

Now….my question is: Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way? You meet somebody, you both see that you are attracted to each other. The day you decide to actually start with a relationship, you sit down and give each other your appointment letters. You break down exactly what it is you are looking for and what you are hoping to get out of the relationship.

You would list your deal breakers (grounds for termination). List all the things that are possible conflict areas up front.

The reason I bring this up is that too many people find themselves in relationships, with no clue how they got there. They sit there, totally bewildered, thinking…..”What on earth happened?” One minute, they were having a casual fling and before you knew it, they were cosy with their “fling” on the couch on what is supposed to be boy’s night out. I have news for you, my friend…That is not a fling any more. Your temp hired herself and made herself permanent. With NO appointment letter.

Sadly, such situations are irreversible. And they do lead to major heartache. Your permanent temp starts expecting medical aid and provident fund. And you are sitting there thinking….”But things were so good between us!” Now suddenly, they are ruined by a one sided relationship.

Folks, please don’t get me wrong. Loads of shagmate relationships evolve. Feelings develop and before you know it, both parties want more out of it. And if they are wise, they will discuss it and renegotiate the terms. That is great. That is an absolute win-win.

The sad part is when one party develops feelings while the other party is blissfully unaware. That is a sad, SAD situation, because the newly whipped party suddenly starts looking for signs that the other party also feels the same. And believe me, they will see them. Even when none exist.

I had a woman say to me, once: “Surely he MUST love me. He performs oral sex on me.” True story. I swear! Lady! Oral sex is nothing but a sexual act. He probably performs it on every woman he meets. Heck, he probably performs it even on women he has not even had sex with. Big deal!

I know a lot of women out there who refer to a man as “my man” or “my boyfriend” when they have not even met the guy in person. They chat on social media, maybe graduate to chatting on the phone twice a day. But, COME ON! That is NOT your man. Please stop saying he is. One particularly disturbed woman even got engaged to a man she has never met. That is an extreme case, but the point is, people do these things in varying degrees of psychosis.

Stop looking for signs, wait for the appointment letter. Sit down, discuss it and right at the end you can both sign on the dotted line. That way you will avoid having to bring up silly topics like “Where is this relationship going?” Hello! I didn’t even know there WAS a relationship. Asking that question is a lot like jumping into a taxi, sitting quietly for 20 minutes, and only then asking where it is going. You really rather want to ask before you get on. Unless you just feel like taking a joy ride and don’t care about the destination. But then you must be willing to pay whatever the fare is. And be willing to catch a new taxi, one that is going exactly where you wanted to go in the first place, later.

I started off by saying “Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way?” but honestly, it need not be a wish. It is very possible. It obviously won’t be as formal and as structured as I suggested, but it will have the same basic outline. Let us start declaring that we are officially in a relationship, to one another. Just so there are no misunderstandings.

Get that appointment letter!

The Full 13 Day Diet

1. 
Due to the length of this diet, it is recommended that you plan it so that you do not have
any big event during the next 13 days

2. 
The best time to start is on a SUNDAY, which only gives you one miserable weekend

3. 
You need to drink a MINIMUM of 2 LITRES of water per day!!!

4. 
IMPORTANT!!! Eat the wholewheat bread with ONLY A SCRAPING OF BUTTER!

5. 
If the diet is followed IN A STRICT MANNER, you should lose all excess body fat (depending on your BMI), between 9-20 kgs

6. 
The diet must be followed for 13 DAYS ONLY and no longer!!!

7. 
Please note that this is not a traditional crash diet, but a diet to change your METABOLISM- it continues working even after the 13 days.

8. 
WARNING...NB!!!!If during the 13 days you CHEAT, e.g. consume beer, a glass of wine, a piece of chewing gum, or any extra food, you might as well STOP THE DIET because it becomes pointless and the diet will have NO EFFECT in this case. You may try again in 3 MONTHS time!

9. 
If you followed this diet perfectly for 13 days, you must not repeat it under any circumstances before 12 months have passed!!!

10.  It is recommended that this diet is repeated every 2 years if so required

RULES: 

1. 
No cheating. Not even slightly

2. 
NO chewing gum (even the sugar free types)

3. 
NO ALCOHOL: beer, wine, champagne, ciders etc

4. 
No oil for cooking (even if it is extra virgin olive oil)

5. 
No honey

6. 
No sugar

7. 
No extra food

8. 
No salad dressing (even if it is light)

RULES- Thngs you may use:

1. Salt

2. Pepper

3. Lemon juice

4. Sweeteners

5. Onions

6. Balsamic vinegar


NOTE: As much as you like has been abbreviated: AMAYL

DAY 1


BREAKFAST: Coffee, no sugar, no milk
 
LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (AMAYL)
 
DINNER: Grilled minute (lean) steak (AMAYL)

DAY 2
 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: Ham 200g  

DINNER: Grilled minute steak & Green salad (only cucumber & lettuce: NO SALAD DRESSING) & quality fruit

DAY 3

 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad & green beans
 
DINNER: 1 slice of ham & green salad (only cucumber & lettuce)

DAY 4:
 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: Cooked or raw carrots, with cheese (AMAYL)
 
DINNER: Fruit salad (any fruits of your choice) & natural (plain) yogurt

DAY 5:
 
BREAKFAST: Carrot (cooked or raw) with lemon & coffee

LUNCH: Grilled white fish with raw tomato

DINNER: Grilled steak & green salad

DAY 6:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: 200g Grilled skinned chicken

DINNER: 2 boiled eggs with carrots



DAY 7:

BREAKFAST: Lemon tea

LUNCH: Grilled steak & fruit (AMAYL)


DINNER: Anything (even if its not on this list)!!!

DAY 8:

BREAKFAST: Coffee with as much SUGAR as
you like


LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach
(AMAYL)

DINNER: 200g Grilled minute steak

DAY 9:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: Grilled steak & green salad

DINNER: 200g Ham


DAY 10:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad & green beans

DINNER: Ham & green salad (only cucumber & lettuce)

DAY 11:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread

LUNCH: Cooked or raw carrots, with cheese (AMAYL)

DINNER: Fruit salad & natural yogurt

DAY 12 & DAY 13:


BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered
wholewheat bread

LUNCH: tomato & grilled skinned chicken

DINNER: 2 boiled eggs with carrots

So that's it. I'll let you guys know how it goes afterwards.

I'll keep you posted daily......