The One That Got Away

There's this friend of mine, let's call her Ms P. Every time she breaks up with her man, she doesn't even announce it to the world. She doesn't tell many people and she doesn't even change her relationship status on Facebook. It permanently shows "In a relationship with T"

But she takes it a step further. Even if she starts dating a new guy, she will say "I am on a date with T". If she goes and visits the new guy, she will still say "I am visiting T".

Do you know why she does this? Because she always finds her way back into T's arms. So whoever she is with also knows that he is actually with T's girl. Every man that comes into her life is temporary, because she will always end up with T.

 My question to you; How many of you are guilty of this? How many of you make any and every man that comes into your life feel like a seat filler for your ex? Don't know what a seat filler is? Let me tell you;

At many high profile award ceremonies, which obviously get televised, they don't like having empty seats showing on camera. So if one of the stars decides to go to the toilet or whatever, they employ people, dressed in a tuxedo and everything, who is always on standby, waiting to fill the seat. That way, whenever the camera swings past the auditorium, they will always get a perfect full house. When the bigshot comes back, the seat filler gets up and gives the star his seat back.

So how many of you make the man in your life feel like he may be in the seat next to you, but he is just not the real thing? Like he is just guarding somebody else's seat for him. You'll even tell him that he looks "really cute" in his little tux and that he really could pass for a celebrity, to the untrained eye. But he knows in his heart that he is not the real deal.

If you do this to a man who really IS a seat filler, it is selfish. But at least he knows where he stands. But the moment you do that, because you really have no intention of ever going back to your ex....well, then you are sabotaging your relationship. Your relationship is doomed from day one if you will constantly be making your man feel like he has these great shoes to fill.

Let's do a quick test.

1. If your new man doesn't know any other ex's name except this particular one, even though you have dated other people after him.
2. If, when you say "my ex" he immediately knows who you are talking about, because all the other ex's are irrelevant.
3. If your eyes still gloss over when you talk about how wonderful a man your ex was, even when you are talking about him in your new man's presence.
4. If, you consider and even refer to your ex as "The one that got away"

Trust me.....you are making your new man a seat filler. You are making your man live under the shadow of your ex. And no matter how secure a man can be, no man on the face of the earth wants to spend the rest of his life knowing that you are actually settling for him, when the one is out there.

Let Mr Perfect go. Or go back to him. It really is that simple. Anything less than that is grossly unfair.

Clean Slate

I strongly believe there is no such thing as "wiping the slate clean and starting all over".

Each page in our lives, is written in ink, not pencil. So you cannot erase it and start all over. If you try to do that, you will simply be putting Tipp Ex on it and writing over it. And we all know how that ends up looking. Not a pretty sight at all.

What you CAN choose to do, however, is to agree to turn the page and move on. Walk away from it and don't look back. You both know that it is there. You have taken what you can from the experience and you have learnt all that you can. And you have now taken the conscious decision to walk away from it and never come back to it.

Once you have taken the decision to walk away from it, you have decided that you won't keep bringing it up. It is very easy to give into the temptation and have this thought in the back of your mind that your partner somehow "owes" you, since you were willing to forgive him. Don't think like that.

You take too long at the salon, thus making you both late for an appointment and he is FUMING. It is very easy for you to think (and say) "I forgave you for cheating on me with that WHORE, and you want to yell at me about being an hour late?" Don't.

Don't even think it.

The moment you do so, you are taking yourself and your relationship back to that page. And you are destroying every chance of ever healing. You forgiving should not be a credit that you keep in your pocket. It should not be a "Get out of anything smaller" pass.

The moment you forgive, you are saying, unequivocally that I WANT to get past this. I want to put this incident behind us. Obviously, that is assuming that he gives you reason to get past it as well. And by that, I mean his behaviour gives you no reason to doubt him. He makes you feel comfortable and he makes you feel relaxed enough to do that.

Walking away from the incident does not mean that you are letting him "get away with it". It means you are taking back control of your life and are refusing to be controlled and defined by the incident. It happened, you dealt with it and you have moved on.

You have made the conscious decision to be the strong woman you once were. You have chosen to be the bigger person. That shows strength of character.

Relationship Appointment Letter

When you get a new job, you are given an appointment letter. In this letter, you will find all the details of your employment. From your hours to your remuneration to what your deliverables are. All your KPA’s and KPI’s are clearly listed. There is even a very clear stipulation of how the working relationship can be terminated, by either party. And there is a clear indication of how long the probation period.

Now….my question is: Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way? You meet somebody, you both see that you are attracted to each other. The day you decide to actually start with a relationship, you sit down and give each other your appointment letters. You break down exactly what it is you are looking for and what you are hoping to get out of the relationship.

You would list your deal breakers (grounds for termination). List all the things that are possible conflict areas up front.

The reason I bring this up is that too many people find themselves in relationships, with no clue how they got there. They sit there, totally bewildered, thinking…..”What on earth happened?” One minute, they were having a casual fling and before you knew it, they were cosy with their “fling” on the couch on what is supposed to be boy’s night out. I have news for you, my friend…That is not a fling any more. Your temp hired herself and made herself permanent. With NO appointment letter.

Sadly, such situations are irreversible. And they do lead to major heartache. Your permanent temp starts expecting medical aid and provident fund. And you are sitting there thinking….”But things were so good between us!” Now suddenly, they are ruined by a one sided relationship.

Folks, please don’t get me wrong. Loads of shagmate relationships evolve. Feelings develop and before you know it, both parties want more out of it. And if they are wise, they will discuss it and renegotiate the terms. That is great. That is an absolute win-win.

The sad part is when one party develops feelings while the other party is blissfully unaware. That is a sad, SAD situation, because the newly whipped party suddenly starts looking for signs that the other party also feels the same. And believe me, they will see them. Even when none exist.

I had a woman say to me, once: “Surely he MUST love me. He performs oral sex on me.” True story. I swear! Lady! Oral sex is nothing but a sexual act. He probably performs it on every woman he meets. Heck, he probably performs it even on women he has not even had sex with. Big deal!

I know a lot of women out there who refer to a man as “my man” or “my boyfriend” when they have not even met the guy in person. They chat on social media, maybe graduate to chatting on the phone twice a day. But, COME ON! That is NOT your man. Please stop saying he is. One particularly disturbed woman even got engaged to a man she has never met. That is an extreme case, but the point is, people do these things in varying degrees of psychosis.

Stop looking for signs, wait for the appointment letter. Sit down, discuss it and right at the end you can both sign on the dotted line. That way you will avoid having to bring up silly topics like “Where is this relationship going?” Hello! I didn’t even know there WAS a relationship. Asking that question is a lot like jumping into a taxi, sitting quietly for 20 minutes, and only then asking where it is going. You really rather want to ask before you get on. Unless you just feel like taking a joy ride and don’t care about the destination. But then you must be willing to pay whatever the fare is. And be willing to catch a new taxi, one that is going exactly where you wanted to go in the first place, later.

I started off by saying “Wouldn’t it be great if relationships could work in the same way?” but honestly, it need not be a wish. It is very possible. It obviously won’t be as formal and as structured as I suggested, but it will have the same basic outline. Let us start declaring that we are officially in a relationship, to one another. Just so there are no misunderstandings.

Get that appointment letter!

The Full 13 Day Diet

1. 
Due to the length of this diet, it is recommended that you plan it so that you do not have
any big event during the next 13 days

2. 
The best time to start is on a SUNDAY, which only gives you one miserable weekend

3. 
You need to drink a MINIMUM of 2 LITRES of water per day!!!

4. 
IMPORTANT!!! Eat the wholewheat bread with ONLY A SCRAPING OF BUTTER!

5. 
If the diet is followed IN A STRICT MANNER, you should lose all excess body fat (depending on your BMI), between 9-20 kgs

6. 
The diet must be followed for 13 DAYS ONLY and no longer!!!

7. 
Please note that this is not a traditional crash diet, but a diet to change your METABOLISM- it continues working even after the 13 days.

8. 
WARNING...NB!!!!If during the 13 days you CHEAT, e.g. consume beer, a glass of wine, a piece of chewing gum, or any extra food, you might as well STOP THE DIET because it becomes pointless and the diet will have NO EFFECT in this case. You may try again in 3 MONTHS time!

9. 
If you followed this diet perfectly for 13 days, you must not repeat it under any circumstances before 12 months have passed!!!

10.  It is recommended that this diet is repeated every 2 years if so required

RULES: 

1. 
No cheating. Not even slightly

2. 
NO chewing gum (even the sugar free types)

3. 
NO ALCOHOL: beer, wine, champagne, ciders etc

4. 
No oil for cooking (even if it is extra virgin olive oil)

5. 
No honey

6. 
No sugar

7. 
No extra food

8. 
No salad dressing (even if it is light)

RULES- Thngs you may use:

1. Salt

2. Pepper

3. Lemon juice

4. Sweeteners

5. Onions

6. Balsamic vinegar


NOTE: As much as you like has been abbreviated: AMAYL

DAY 1


BREAKFAST: Coffee, no sugar, no milk
 
LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach (AMAYL)
 
DINNER: Grilled minute (lean) steak (AMAYL)

DAY 2
 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: Ham 200g  

DINNER: Grilled minute steak & Green salad (only cucumber & lettuce: NO SALAD DRESSING) & quality fruit

DAY 3

 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad & green beans
 
DINNER: 1 slice of ham & green salad (only cucumber & lettuce)

DAY 4:
 
BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 
 
LUNCH: Cooked or raw carrots, with cheese (AMAYL)
 
DINNER: Fruit salad (any fruits of your choice) & natural (plain) yogurt

DAY 5:
 
BREAKFAST: Carrot (cooked or raw) with lemon & coffee

LUNCH: Grilled white fish with raw tomato

DINNER: Grilled steak & green salad

DAY 6:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: 200g Grilled skinned chicken

DINNER: 2 boiled eggs with carrots



DAY 7:

BREAKFAST: Lemon tea

LUNCH: Grilled steak & fruit (AMAYL)


DINNER: Anything (even if its not on this list)!!!

DAY 8:

BREAKFAST: Coffee with as much SUGAR as
you like


LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, cooked spinach
(AMAYL)

DINNER: 200g Grilled minute steak

DAY 9:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: Grilled steak & green salad

DINNER: 200g Ham


DAY 10:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread 

LUNCH: 2 boiled eggs, tomato salad & green beans

DINNER: Ham & green salad (only cucumber & lettuce)

DAY 11:

BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered wholewheat bread

LUNCH: Cooked or raw carrots, with cheese (AMAYL)

DINNER: Fruit salad & natural yogurt

DAY 12 & DAY 13:


BREAKFAST: Coffee & buttered
wholewheat bread

LUNCH: tomato & grilled skinned chicken

DINNER: 2 boiled eggs with carrots

So that's it. I'll let you guys know how it goes afterwards.

I'll keep you posted daily......

The Other Foot

Somebody, please help me understand....

I have asked the question on many occasions; "What would you do if you caught your man in bed with another woman?" And I have received answers, with varying levels of anger and violent images.

Anything from, "I'd go Mam Ruby/ Babe Ruth on them both and whip them both with a stout stick" to "I'd go boil some water and give them a little steam surprise." MANY talk about "slicing his man parts off!" I know 

I can see some of you nodding in agreement to these and other such drastic responses.

Getting away from the theoretic; I have also asked about some of the craziest things you have done when cheated on and also received responses from stabbing tyres, destroying property to actual beat downs that you gave to both the men and women who crossed them.

And once again, I heard nothing but applause and praise from you all, as these stories were being told.
I have seen some nasty images of people after they have been beaten up for being caught cheating. I saw a picture, recently of a girl who was sliced with a razor all over her face because she slept with her best friend's man. 
And still some people sort of felt empathy for the girl who got cheated on. And felt, in a way, that the "victim" brought it on herself.

Now....let me get to the crux of the matter. When people are on their moral high horse, I have heard them all say; "There is absolutely no justifying abuse!" "Any man who beats up a woman should be killed." "Nobody could ever MAKE you raise your hand to them. Why didn't you just walk away?"

That sounds like a double standard if ever there was one. Especially when ALL these statements come from the very same people and they get equal amounts of applause.

Surely the same rule should apply right across the board? Shouldn't we say "This is the rule, end of story." Why are women allowed to pour boiling hot oil on their cheating lover's genitals, while men dare not even slap their cheating girlfriends?

I can already here some of you saying that men abuse women a lot more than women do men, in general. But the point is, when did two wrongs ever make a right? Sounds no different to saying "It is ok for black people to be racist towards white people, but not the other way round because white people have been doing it for too long." 

Two wrongs can never make a right. We should ALL walk away, no matter how angry somebody makes you. And no matter what your gender.

Love The Love

Folks…most of this book focuses on all the pitfalls…all the things that can and do go wrong in relationships. Most of it is about all the stupid things that women do, all in the name of love. And there is a hell of a lot! About all the bad things that men do and all the things that women tolerate and endure in a relationship.

However, it is absolutely crucial that we also take a look at all the good things. We need to take cognisance of the fact that essentially we get into relationships for good reasons. We fall in love with nothing but good intentions. And despite some or many of the things stated in the book, it is very possible to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Love is a beautiful thing. There is absolutely nothing more wonderful than finding somebody to share your life with. I have often been asked if I believe in the existence of The One. That one person in your life who was created for you at birth. And my answer is: Absolutely.

Trust me, you KNOW when you have found The One. You are never in doubt. Without being too much of a Reacher…you are just amazingly and totally in awe of this person. You have moments when you take a step back and ask yourself how you could possibly deserve such an amazing person in your life. You keep thinking that Ashton Kutcher will jump out any moment and point out the cameras and tell you that “There’s a camera there, there and over there!” Like, come on, buddy, you didn’t REALLY think that this incredible person would date you, did you?

And yet each day comes and goes and you realise that this person is going nowhere. They are here to stay and they are yours. And if you are REALLY lucky, they feel exactly the same about you. And they treat you like gold! They love you unconditionally, they actually find your flaws tolerable. They think that you look cute when you drool in your sleep. They find your snoring adorable. And they are willing to kiss your dragon breath in the morning.

More importantly, when somebody loves you, they find themselves doing things with you, for you, without question. When somebody says “I killa da bull for you” to you and they actually mean it. It is a beautiful feeling.

Find somebody like that and hold on to them. Because everybody has their flaws. There will be bad days…there will be ok days...but then again, how will you get through the ups and downs of life if your entire relationship is one big honeymoon?

I have spoken of Deal Breakers in this book. And I think we need to always maintain perspective in such things. When somebody is all of the above, but they turn around and commit one of your Deal Breakers….for the sake of your sanity don’t be afraid to leave. Do not be afraid to walk away. Your Deal Breakers are the one line that anybody who comes into your life should be made aware of right at the beginning. That way should they commit a Deal Breaker, they knew the whole time what the consequences are for that.

But then, the Deal Breaker really needs to be a BIG thing for you. To walk away from a relationship so beautiful, and so heaven sent, that person needs to have done something that YOU feel is unforgivable. Something that says “Nobody who loves me the way I think you do would do such a thing to me.”

Most people, when asked, will select infidelity as their Deal Breaker. Look, to each his own….if you insist on that being your Deal Breaker….that is fine. But in my humble opinion, there really are bigger Deal Breakers out there.

Why does nobody ever mention this one: “You just stopped caring”…..you know, when somebody claims to love you, then they have to care. Care about you, about your feelings, about your wellbeing. And if they don’t….well, then what good is that love?

One of my favourite sayings is: “I refuse to love somebody who doesn’t love me back.” I know you can’t possibly tell your heart where to go, but I for one place being loved back right at the top of my priority list.

As long as the love is still alive and strong, I will pretty much work through any and every issue. So, my Deal Breaker is very simple. If you stop loving me….Deal Broken. Anything else, I will probably be willing to work through.

I can hear the rumblings amongst you: “What about cheating?” “What about physical abuse? “ “What about addiction? “ “What about going out there and having unprotected sex with other people?”

Let me go through the examples: Cheating and addiction, I put in the same category. I would be able to work through. Unless the person actually fell in love with somebody else and loved them enough to make me doubt their love for me….and put that person above me, a physical indiscretion I could probably get over in time. I would treat that one on its merits. The same goes for addiction. I would treat it on its merits. I would take into account extenuating and aggravating circumstances. Physical abuse and unprotected sex outside the relationship: Those to me say “This person does not love me.” This person did not give in to a weakness in a moment of passion. For that period, however brief, they did not care about me.

And that is enough for me.

Anything else, I am pretty certain I would work through. Anything else, I know that our love would be able to heal.

So, then…look at your relationship. Look at the love you have. If it is worth fighting for, then do fight for it. Just don’t keep your heart where you are not. It is very possible to backtrack and start all over again. Trust me on this one.

I cheat, you cheat

I have been asked this question literally every month, so, let me put it to rest. Why do men react so much worse to being cheated on than women do?

Let us start at the beginning. There are many more women in this country than there are men. More importantly, though, there are a lot less ELIGIBLE men than there are women. No wonder you always hear the phrase “All the good ones are taken”. Men know this. And we also know that when we settle down with a woman, there are 9 others that we could have chosen who were quite eligible as well.

Let us also not forget that generally, the female of the species tend to be more eager to nest and settle down, while the males want to run around and conquer every woman on the planet. Let’s face it, there are not too many 29 year old men running around, desperately looking for a wife because they planned to be married by the age of 30. Settling down is more of a “Ok…enough already! Let me settle down.” kind of concession.

It is VERY different with women.

So, when a man settles down with you, he really does feel that he has made MANY sacrifices for you. He feels that he left so many women behind just for YOU. And, dare I say it, he feels that you should be grateful that he made such a sacrifice just for you.

Here’s another thing. In general, men are able to separate emotions from sex. We are generally capable of having sex with a woman, even if we feel absolutely nothing for her, and as such we often wonder what the big deal is when you catch us and we go; “But baby, it was just sex. She meant nothing to me!”

Now…..this is where it gets interesting. Men generally think that WOMEN are incapable of separating sex from emotions. So, if a woman cheats on a man, he assumes that she is in love with the guy. Therefore, his reaction to being cheated on is much worse. I think deep down inside, we also believe that when a woman has been pushed so far as to cheat, it means you have pushed her too far. But instead of taking the blame for your actions which pushed her to far, we get mad and blame her.

The truth of the matter is, we also conveniently forget that the women we are cheating with…are also WOMEN. And let’s face it, we keep telling ourselves that they will never fall in love with us. And sometimes they do. But even if they didn’t…that would prove the fact that women are then capable of separating love from sex after all.

What amuses me the most, though, is the fact that, as I said before, if a man gets caught cheating, he will spend the rest of time worried that YOU are going to have revenge sex. So he immediately stops trusting you. He starts treating you like a cheat. Most importantly, though, even if he catches you FLIRTING with a guy, he will keep bringing that up as if you actually cheated. He will feel that you are even, now.
In his mind, that makes him feel better (even if he doesn’t say it)…like “Ok, you got your revenge, now. I hope you are happy now.” So, from THAT point on, you are NEVER allowed to bring up his cheating, because he will throw YOUR “cheating episode” (meaning your little flirtation) back in your face.

I know….weird, right?