The Other Foot

Somebody, please help me understand....

I have asked the question on many occasions; "What would you do if you caught your man in bed with another woman?" And I have received answers, with varying levels of anger and violent images.

Anything from, "I'd go Mam Ruby/ Babe Ruth on them both and whip them both with a stout stick" to "I'd go boil some water and give them a little steam surprise." MANY talk about "slicing his man parts off!" I know 

I can see some of you nodding in agreement to these and other such drastic responses.

Getting away from the theoretic; I have also asked about some of the craziest things you have done when cheated on and also received responses from stabbing tyres, destroying property to actual beat downs that you gave to both the men and women who crossed them.

And once again, I heard nothing but applause and praise from you all, as these stories were being told.
I have seen some nasty images of people after they have been beaten up for being caught cheating. I saw a picture, recently of a girl who was sliced with a razor all over her face because she slept with her best friend's man. 
And still some people sort of felt empathy for the girl who got cheated on. And felt, in a way, that the "victim" brought it on herself.

Now....let me get to the crux of the matter. When people are on their moral high horse, I have heard them all say; "There is absolutely no justifying abuse!" "Any man who beats up a woman should be killed." "Nobody could ever MAKE you raise your hand to them. Why didn't you just walk away?"

That sounds like a double standard if ever there was one. Especially when ALL these statements come from the very same people and they get equal amounts of applause.

Surely the same rule should apply right across the board? Shouldn't we say "This is the rule, end of story." Why are women allowed to pour boiling hot oil on their cheating lover's genitals, while men dare not even slap their cheating girlfriends?

I can already here some of you saying that men abuse women a lot more than women do men, in general. But the point is, when did two wrongs ever make a right? Sounds no different to saying "It is ok for black people to be racist towards white people, but not the other way round because white people have been doing it for too long." 

Two wrongs can never make a right. We should ALL walk away, no matter how angry somebody makes you. And no matter what your gender.

Love The Love

Folks…most of this book focuses on all the pitfalls…all the things that can and do go wrong in relationships. Most of it is about all the stupid things that women do, all in the name of love. And there is a hell of a lot! About all the bad things that men do and all the things that women tolerate and endure in a relationship.

However, it is absolutely crucial that we also take a look at all the good things. We need to take cognisance of the fact that essentially we get into relationships for good reasons. We fall in love with nothing but good intentions. And despite some or many of the things stated in the book, it is very possible to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Love is a beautiful thing. There is absolutely nothing more wonderful than finding somebody to share your life with. I have often been asked if I believe in the existence of The One. That one person in your life who was created for you at birth. And my answer is: Absolutely.

Trust me, you KNOW when you have found The One. You are never in doubt. Without being too much of a Reacher…you are just amazingly and totally in awe of this person. You have moments when you take a step back and ask yourself how you could possibly deserve such an amazing person in your life. You keep thinking that Ashton Kutcher will jump out any moment and point out the cameras and tell you that “There’s a camera there, there and over there!” Like, come on, buddy, you didn’t REALLY think that this incredible person would date you, did you?

And yet each day comes and goes and you realise that this person is going nowhere. They are here to stay and they are yours. And if you are REALLY lucky, they feel exactly the same about you. And they treat you like gold! They love you unconditionally, they actually find your flaws tolerable. They think that you look cute when you drool in your sleep. They find your snoring adorable. And they are willing to kiss your dragon breath in the morning.

More importantly, when somebody loves you, they find themselves doing things with you, for you, without question. When somebody says “I killa da bull for you” to you and they actually mean it. It is a beautiful feeling.

Find somebody like that and hold on to them. Because everybody has their flaws. There will be bad days…there will be ok days...but then again, how will you get through the ups and downs of life if your entire relationship is one big honeymoon?

I have spoken of Deal Breakers in this book. And I think we need to always maintain perspective in such things. When somebody is all of the above, but they turn around and commit one of your Deal Breakers….for the sake of your sanity don’t be afraid to leave. Do not be afraid to walk away. Your Deal Breakers are the one line that anybody who comes into your life should be made aware of right at the beginning. That way should they commit a Deal Breaker, they knew the whole time what the consequences are for that.

But then, the Deal Breaker really needs to be a BIG thing for you. To walk away from a relationship so beautiful, and so heaven sent, that person needs to have done something that YOU feel is unforgivable. Something that says “Nobody who loves me the way I think you do would do such a thing to me.”

Most people, when asked, will select infidelity as their Deal Breaker. Look, to each his own….if you insist on that being your Deal Breaker….that is fine. But in my humble opinion, there really are bigger Deal Breakers out there.

Why does nobody ever mention this one: “You just stopped caring”…..you know, when somebody claims to love you, then they have to care. Care about you, about your feelings, about your wellbeing. And if they don’t….well, then what good is that love?

One of my favourite sayings is: “I refuse to love somebody who doesn’t love me back.” I know you can’t possibly tell your heart where to go, but I for one place being loved back right at the top of my priority list.

As long as the love is still alive and strong, I will pretty much work through any and every issue. So, my Deal Breaker is very simple. If you stop loving me….Deal Broken. Anything else, I will probably be willing to work through.

I can hear the rumblings amongst you: “What about cheating?” “What about physical abuse? “ “What about addiction? “ “What about going out there and having unprotected sex with other people?”

Let me go through the examples: Cheating and addiction, I put in the same category. I would be able to work through. Unless the person actually fell in love with somebody else and loved them enough to make me doubt their love for me….and put that person above me, a physical indiscretion I could probably get over in time. I would treat that one on its merits. The same goes for addiction. I would treat it on its merits. I would take into account extenuating and aggravating circumstances. Physical abuse and unprotected sex outside the relationship: Those to me say “This person does not love me.” This person did not give in to a weakness in a moment of passion. For that period, however brief, they did not care about me.

And that is enough for me.

Anything else, I am pretty certain I would work through. Anything else, I know that our love would be able to heal.

So, then…look at your relationship. Look at the love you have. If it is worth fighting for, then do fight for it. Just don’t keep your heart where you are not. It is very possible to backtrack and start all over again. Trust me on this one.